My RemoteTitle: Maul - The Fight Channel
Author: Joshua Malbin
Category: Fiction

9:00 a.m. ROMAN GLADIATOR 2000 [rebroadcast] The original is still the best.

Watch as today’s toughest warriors battle it out with the real weapons of ancient Rome: trident and net, sword and shield. Give the thumbs-up or down by texting and wait for a death blow you’ll swear is real.

10:00 a.m. SAW

12:00 p.m. THE BULLFIGHTER [rebroadcast] Sean and Xanders argue over a girl—but it’s not who you expect. Plus Jason and Matt get voted into the ring to face the bull—with no picadors!

1:00 p.m. COCK VS. COCK Live from Manila. Champion bantams from the Philippines, Louisiana, New Jersey, and Mexico.

2:00 p.m. BUGFIGHT! MAUL’s breakout smash is back with all new battles from a fresh survey of over 1,000 sixth-graders. This week: tarantula vs. praying mantis, plus Chinese fighting crickets.

3:00 p.m. SAW II

5:00 p.m. THE PUBLIC SQUARE An adulteress whipped in Saudi Arabia, a homosexual hanged in Iran. And what exactly was tarring and feathering?

6:00 p.m. EXTREME MID-ATLANTIC WRESTLING Skull Beast takes on Pretty Boy Jonny Noonnan in a barbed-wire cage match. At stake: The Crown of Thorns.

8:00 p.m. INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP FIGHTS Today: ring matches in Pradal Serey from Phnom Penh, Sambo from Moscow, and Jogo do Pau from Lisbon.

10:30 p.m. SAW III

12:30 a.m. FORGOTTEN ANIMAL CRUELTY: SPECTATOR SPORTS OF YESTERYEAR In English duck-baiting, a dog swam after a wing-clipped duck, which could only dive to escape. Still in England, cock-throwing was the sport of throwing weighted sticks at a tied rooster, aiming to break his legs. German fox-tossing was a team sport where the animal was driven onto a 20-foot sling, then launched into the air as the team all pulled hard on their rope ends. The hour wraps up with a look at fights between dogs and hyenas staged in Punjab, India.

1:30 a.m. UNCLE EARL’S HOG-DOG TRIALS, WINNFIELD, LOUISIANA [rebroadcast] Kevlar-vested dogs try to corner wild boars. Bites result in deducted points.

3:00 a.m. SAW IV

Joshua Malbin has published stories various places, and is the author of Soap and Water, a novel about a civil war over water in a near-future American West.